FLOWER

Saturday, 4th January 2025 - We were flying to the seventh heaven seeing a pink cross line appeared on the pregnancy test.

Monday, 6th January 2025 - The confirmation scan where my heart buried seven feet depth because just an empty sac sighted. The doctor then did a transvaginal ultrasound but the result remained unchanged.

Tuesday, 28th January 2025 - Obgyn appointment when you finally show up with heartbeats!

***Cut story short***

Wednesday, 3rd September 2025 - It's your due date but you insisted to stay in my tummy a little bit longer. Maybe it was too comfy in there. Or was it because I always had nasi kandar and strawberry matcha?

Monday, 8th September 2025 - You were now 40 weeks 5 days.

07:30 a.m. - I had french toast and hot milo for breakfast.

08:30 a.m. - Went for a brisk walk with baba while still got time since you didn't want to come out yet. Only walked for a few steps when I started to feel pain which hurt really bad and indescribable. Not sure if it was a contraction so I checked if it happen repeatedly. It did. Sometimes in 10 and sometimes in 7 minutes. I managed to finish the whole track of 10,000 steps anyway. Impressive! Lol!

09:50 a.m. - Straight to the hospital. ECG and scan, everything was good. The doctor checked cervical dilation. I was just 2cm dilated.

03:30 p.m. - Admitted ward.

04:00 p.m. - The contraction getting harder like no jokes I swear.

06:00 p.m. - The gap between each contraction became shorter and shorter. Almost like non-stop. I was in pain every second and the pain was real to the extend I thought I won't make it to meet you.

07:00 p.m. - Baba called out the doctor. In 10 minutes the doctor got 6 very high amplitude. He was shocked (maybe because that were a lot, I didn't know either) so he checked cervical dilation and he was like "I think it's 4cm or maybe 5."

08:15 p.m. - Administrated pain killer which absolute useless. I still in so much pain and called back the nurse. She checked, that time I was 6cm dilated and they right away moved me to another bed to be transferred to the labour room.

09:30 p.m. - View through the ECG your heart beats were not quite pretty (fetal distress). It might take a long time till my dilation reach 10cm hence they asked for baba's permission and got the concern for emergency c-section. When the doctor explained to me details of the procedure, all that was in my mind "Will I wake up after this operation or will I not?"

10:11 p.m. - All praises is to Allah. You were safely born.

If I may rate the pain of the delivery process from 0 to 10 :-
Branula insertion - 0.001/10
Check cervical dilation - 1/10
Contraction - 10/0 (come on math student, you know what I mean)
Czer - 10/10 (as the epidural wear off)
Healing process - 7/10 (for the first week where I barely walked and bend my body)

Those roller coaster ride during the first trimester and few weeks last! Morning sickness (nausea with vomit), high fever, severe headache, back pain and all. Warded several times. I remember I only showed up at the office twice a week for the three months. Indeed I am traumatised by the whole pregnancy journey till labour nonetheless it really taught the meaning of surrendering myself to God. No wonder la syurga di bawah tapak kaki ibu even I humbly realise don't deserve it at all.

My dearly daughter,
You are 45 days of life by the time I am writing this. It feels surreal now that you are in my arms. You were the fine line on the UPT. You were the tiny bean on the ultrasound. A strong baby who has survived the horrific moment when I was at the lowest low and kept thinking what if I lost you most of the time. It took me to have you to only then understand the 'unconditional love'. You are an answered dua. May you grow up healthily and gracefully into a beautiful soul.

My beloved husband,
Let's pour our love and shoulder this amanah fairly and live happily ever after. May Allah bless our family with sakinah, mawaddah and rahmah.

Mama

VIRUS

When people asked me, where I got infected from? Jammed. How should I know? If I knew it from the beginning I have already avoided that specific place or person. And I’m the kind of who always practice hygiene ok.

On the first week of May, I was suspected with urinary tract infection (UTI). Been to the clinic back to back for urine test, check up and follow up.

Saturday, 13th May. Everything was fine in the morning, the birds were singing and the grass were dancing gracefully. My husband helped me out with the house chores. The weather was scorching hot and we went out to get some ice cream. During the evening on the same day I started shivering and sweating all at once then I checked my body tempearture was 36.5°C. Normal. Took my medication and wrapped myself up with blanket.

The next morning, I checked my body temperature just to find out it reached 39°C. My husband rushed me to the clinic and they ran a blood test. Nothing suspicious from the result just that I’ve low hemoglobin (HGB) where a normal woman reading supposedly 11 but mine was only 8.6.

On Tuesday, I went back to the clinic and they said they need to run another blood test since my temperature isn’t going down and do the RTK as well. Turned out, I’m positive Covid-19. Arghhh

This isn’t my first time. Whatever it is, Alhamdulillah my condition not any worse compared the last time I was infected. Still bad but never better. I can get up. I manage to do the laundry. I capable to clean the house. And most importantly, I’m able to eat. Not sure which one affects my vitality whether that I’ve taken three doses of vaccine or that I’m now a wife so I gotta be strong lol!

Quarantine at home including extravagant  treatments and luxury meals thus which of the favours of your Lord will you deny?

SCHOLAR

When I was in form four, I was once got a single digit for Additional Mathematics (Add Math) subject. A SINGLE DIGIT. Can you imagine, a single digit out of 100%? I was so down. So so down, below the ground level. I held my tears from the time I got the paper till I called my dad, I cried so hard. Everyone that passed by must have made a scene in their head. Whatever. Who cares lol!

"It's okay. This is just your first test not final year exam or SPM. You know what, when I was in school. During my first Add Math lesson, my teacher promised us that whoever get above 10% will get a present. We all laughed. Seriously. Nahhh sounds easy peasy lemon squezzy right.. But then the result came out and no one got above 10 except Pakcik Rahman. You do know him right? He got 25 or 27, I can't recall. What I want to say is.. thats okay. Chill. Don't be sad. Add Math is a tough subject. Study smart don't study hard. Always do exercises because practice makes perfect."

He trynna comfort me and kept me calm.

I did very task the teacher gave and a lot of other exercises. Sometimes I copied from my friend (yes! I did.) but, I'll make sure I understand the solution. Same goes if I got wrong for any question I did, I'll go through the solution. Like why is it this way not that way and stuff. Asked your teachers and friends instead of make my own formula (which not even exist. I did it a lot well unconsciously huhu). I learned that it is okay if you only done a question when your friends already on their 18th as long as you understand. What's the point of doing nine questions but don't have any ideas of what you're doing? bla bla blaa. Finally, I got B+ for SPM. Yeay! That was a huge achievement for me ok:')

Then got into matriculation for Accountancy. After that further study in Pure Math (in formal language is Science Mathematics) at the university. Major in Mathematics and minor in Account. Sounds cool huh? It was but not until I failed my papers and had to repeat semester.

The struggle was real.

Those rainy days where I went to classes or discussion soaked wet.

Those days I locked myself in the freezing cold library.

I have such attitude that I anyhow realized somehow can't change (yes, I still have hmmm) is.. when I stress I feel like everyone around me is annoying. So I'll avoid interacting with people. Regardless of who you are either my best friend or housemate, I'll make it as if they are not there. There was time when I didn't answer my parents phone calls and didn't reply to their messages for days (more than a week, I guess). My mom asked my cousin to look for my friend's phone number. God knows how worried was a mum lost contact her daughter He make a way for her.. by fate, my cousin friend is one of my classmate. She called him and told him to tell me to call her back and let me know that my dad has sent a flight ticket for me to come back home. I'm sorry, I'm such a disobedience child T.T

On 9 September this year.. at last.. I snatched my degree scroll. Officially graduated! without convocation (supposedly in 2020, I finished my intern at the end of 2019) because of the pandemic. Alhamdulillah. You know, the feeling "AHHHH HARDWORK PAID OFF. I DID IT!!!" At last I appreciate the worth in every tears fell, in every hardship.

I might not be as brilliant as my other siblings. They were top scorer, straight A's, 4 flat, Dean list. I'm just shared my humble experience. Do know that, everyone walks their own storm. What we've been through, we can't compare to other's. God test us differently suit what we capable of. Which means it isn't a benchmark of who had it worst. Just remember no matter how hard things are, God won't test beyond our limit:)