SCHOLAR

When I was in form four, I was once got a single digit for Additional Mathematics (Add Math) subject. A SINGLE DIGIT. Can you imagine, a single digit out of 100%? I was so down. So so down, below the ground level. I held my tears from the time I got the paper till I called my dad, I cried so hard. Everyone that passed by must have made a scene in their head. Whatever. Who cares lol!

"It's okay. This is just your first test not final year exam or SPM. You know what, when I was in school. During my first Add Math lesson, my teacher promised us that whoever get above 10% will get a present. We all laughed. Seriously. Nahhh sounds easy peasy lemon squezzy right.. But then the result came out and no one got above 10 except Pakcik Rahman. You do know him right? He got 25 or 27, I can't recall. What I want to say is.. thats okay. Chill. Don't be sad. Add Math is a tough subject. Study smart don't study hard. Always do exercises because practice makes perfect."

He trynna comfort me and kept me calm.

I did very task the teacher gave and a lot of other exercises. Sometimes I copied from my friend (yes! I did.) but, I'll make sure I understand the solution. Same goes if I got wrong for any question I did, I'll go through the solution. Like why is it this way not that way and stuff. Asked your teachers and friends instead of make my own formula (which not even exist. I did it a lot well unconsciously huhu). I learned that it is okay if you only done a question when your friends already on their 18th as long as you understand. What's the point of doing nine questions but don't have any ideas of what you're doing? bla bla blaa. Finally, I got B+ for SPM. Yeay! That was a huge achievement for me ok:')

Then got into matriculation for Accountancy. After that further study in Pure Math (in formal language is Science Mathematics) at the university. Major in Mathematics and minor in Account. Sounds cool huh? It was but not until I failed my papers and had to repeat semester.

The struggle was real.

Those rainy days where I went to classes or discussion soaked wet.

Those days I locked myself in the freezing cold library.

I have such attitude that I anyhow realized somehow can't change (yes, I still have hmmm) is.. when I stress I feel like everyone around me is annoying. So I'll avoid interacting with people. Regardless of who you are either my best friend or housemate, I'll make it as if they are not there. There was time when I didn't answer my parents phone calls and didn't reply to their messages for days (more than a week, I guess). My mom asked my cousin to look for my friend's phone number. God knows how worried was a mum lost contact her daughter He make a way for her.. by fate, my cousin friend is one of my classmate. She called him and told him to tell me to call her back and let me know that my dad has sent a flight ticket for me to come back home. I'm sorry, I'm such a disobedience child T.T

On 9 September this year.. at last.. I snatched my degree scroll. Officially graduated! without convocation (supposedly in 2020, I finished my intern at the end of 2019) because of the pandemic. Alhamdulillah. You know, the feeling "AHHHH HARDWORK PAID OFF. I DID IT!!!" At last I appreciate the worth in every tears fell, in every hardship.

I might not be as brilliant as my other siblings. They were top scorer, straight A's, 4 flat, Dean list. I'm just shared my humble experience. Do know that, everyone walks their own storm. What we've been through, we can't compare to other's. God test us differently suit what we capable of. Which means it isn't a benchmark of who had it worst. Just remember no matter how hard things are, God won't test beyond our limit:)

LOVE

I still remember how does it feel to be in love.

The excitement.
I made a list of my dream dates which will never happen, I guess. A picnic date, theme park date, shopping date and all.. And I even planned the details of dress to wear, things to bring, games to play. The most exciting was to introduce him to my family (maybe because he was my first boyfriend).

The sweetness.
When he came back from an interview in Kuala Lumpur (we live in Johor by the way), he bought me a cute pink lunchbox set. It wasn't about that lunchbox but, the thought that he had me on his mind. He cooked breakfast for me with a note "Nanti makan.". And celebrate my birthday.

The warm and comfort in everything he gave.

The frustration.
Where I feel I will never be good enough. Realizing how replaceable I am. There's always someone prettier, smarter, more kind than me. What if he gets bored of me? Isn't it nice if I'm good at doing my make up? Isn't it nice if I know how to dress up? Isn't it? It must be better if I am at least three inches taller. It must be great if I am that woman people called beauty with brain.

The heartbreaking.

When we fought, I was totally lost. I was detached from the reality.
My weight from 45 kg drop to 38 kg in two days. this is seriously a huge disappointment for someone who is really want to gain weigh. How on Earth? I didn't cut anything. I ate normally.
There was a time, I put facial cleanser on my toothbrush instead of toothpaste. And only noticed it when I saw the cleanser was on the sink (should be on the skincare shelf) and I was like, "Oh? Just now I wasn't using the toothpaste? No wonder la it tasted weird. It wasn't cool mint but, bitter-like-soup."
Those sleepless nights, awoke every an hour or two. Anxious. Maybe. I don't know either. Something didn't let me sleep.
As usual, I took a glass, went to the water dispenser to get some water. I only drink cool plain water. However, unconsciously tap for hot water and I swear I didn't hear the machine said "Hot water". I held my glass but, didn't feel the heat. And came to my senses after I burnt my own tongue.
My world was literally falling apart.

To tell you the truth. It is exhausting and unpromising. The only thing that keeps you holding on so tightly is your faith. Despite the whole world struggle to separate you both, from the elevator door to the Mak Cik Bawang. You try so hard to not drown overthinking. You try so hard to ignore the negative thoughts in which running wild in your head. All you do is trying. Trying to treat him the way he deserve so you have no regrets for not trying.

The faith one fine beautiful day, we will make it till the end.

Hi!

 I'll start writing soon ya.